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Thread: New Rules for the New Year

  1. #1

    Default New Rules for the New Year

    New Rules For 2008 ACORDING TO GEORGE CARLIN



    New Rule : Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.Com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
    particularly like them!? Besides, I already know what the captain of the
    football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

    New Rule : Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
    you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
    found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?


    New Rule Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

    New Rule : There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

    New Rule : Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
    redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is
    now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

    New Rule : The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf Grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet,' ooh, you're a huge asshole.


    New Rule : I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

    New Rule : Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
    translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything
    spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
    spiritual. You're just high.

    New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting??? Oh wait!? They're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

    New Rule : I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.


    New Rule : No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
    weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

    New Rule : and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

    New Rule : When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
    months. '27 Months' 'He's two,' will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
    And I didn't really care in the first place.

    New Rule : If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

  2. #2

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    If george carlin was a chick, I'd marry him.

  3. #3

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    I agree with the starbucks one. . .
    "Racing makes heroin addiction look like a vague longing for something salty" - Peter Egan

  4. #4

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    he's never going to stop being funny,... because people wont ever stop being stupid.
    The media is doing a damn fine job.
    99 Miata Black

  5. #5

  6. #6
    Bad Moderator Donut Dave04's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Billy Blaze View Post
    The media is doing a damn fine job.
    If that's the case... WHY was Brittany Spears going to the hospital the lead story on CNN this morning ?
    --
    Dave
    "Opinions are like ..."

  7. #7

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    Wow...Carlin is actually funny again. It's been a while...
    Speed

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  8. #8
    Team Cheap Bastard
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    Quote Originally Posted by miataspeedracer View Post
    Wow...Carlin is actually funny again. It's been a while...
    +1...last few times I've seen him he was just angry.

  9. #9

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    I saw him live in the mid 90's and had a blast.

  10. #10

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave04 View Post
    If that's the case... WHY was Brittany Spears going to the hospital the lead story on CNN this morning ?
    Exactly.
    99 Miata Black

  11. #11

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave04 View Post
    If that's the case... WHY was Brittany Spears going to the hospital the lead story on CNN this morning ?
    Duh!

    To distract us from today's stories about the falling stock market and the jobless rate hitting 5%.
    Daily Driver: 2013 Club edition in Pearl White Mica

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  12. #12

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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave04 View Post
    If that's the case... WHY was Brittany Spears going to the hospital the lead story on CNN this morning ?

    What you first have to remember is that just about any media outlet is a business (obviously PBS and it's partners are not in it for a profit) and the business is to drive viewers to what they're providing. So, logic would then dictate that if they keep showing idiots doing idiotic things and calling it news AND people keep tuning in to watch the idiots, well then, they're only giving you what you want to watch.

    The best way to affect any news outlet is to stop watching until they give you real, hard, substantive news that really matters, otherwise, they'll keep providing dreck to the masses.

    I for one don't even bother watching those idiots. If you want real news nowadays, you're going to have to work for it - search the BBC, PBS, and other world opinions. Read the newspaper (a real newspaper!), hell, read several. Don't trust the gatekeepers at the locals or nationals to feed you what they think you want.

    If it bothers you, do not watch CNN. If their ratings start to reflect as much, so then will there coverage of what is "news".

  13. #13

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    Quote Originally Posted by ozone42 View Post
    If george carlin was a chick, I'd marry him.
    Quote Originally Posted by Billy Blaze View Post
    he's never going to stop being funny
    Quote Originally Posted by miataspeedracer View Post
    Wow...Carlin is actually funny again. It's been a while...
    Quote Originally Posted by sammm View Post
    +1...last few times I've seen him he was just angry.
    Actually, it was not Carlin that wrote this.

    http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp

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