JOTD - probably old, but I liked it.

[onething]

A woman walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most
beautiful, perfectly "loaded" Lexus. She walked over to inspect it more
closely. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an
unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her


Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.
There, standing right behind her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he
greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today? Trying to
maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had
happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I 'm very sorry to say that
if you pooted just touching it, you're gonna poop when you hear the price."

[Treibenschnell]

...pooted...

The word alone cracked me up...

[onething]

The word alone cracked me up...

Still makes me giggle. Fart makes me want to hold my nose.

[tailchaser]

http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/06/Nov/dontfeel.html

I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much...
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT ? What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, "Let's get a pair for each outfit."
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?" I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. " And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[cone-cerned]

Mrs. Jones stared at the fortune card that had emerged from the weighing machine in response to the husband’s coin. She said, “It says here, Mitch, that you’re suave, intelligent, far seeing, industrious and attractive to women.” Then she turned the card over and added, “And they have your weight wrong, too.”

[channelmaniac]

A priest & a rabbai are talking on the corner. A kid walks by and the priest says "Hey, let's that kid!"

The rabbai looks at him and says "Out of what?"

[black roadster]