Joke of the Day - The Postman

[black roadster]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where
She blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed two dollar bills sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the two dollars for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Screw him - - - give him a couple of bucks."

The blonde then blushed and said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[tailchaser]

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time. This little test should get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. We offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient, and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
OK, here's your test: (Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the bottom to get the answer before taking the test.)

1. Would you use the spoon?

2. Would you use the teacup?


3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."
"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug."

[tailchaser]

Are you an unreconstructed, right-on, rogue male? Or a delivery boy of the new male order? Are you a man or a louse? Find out below.

1) In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as...
a. lovemaking,
b. screwing,
c. the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.

2) You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared...
a. your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship,
b. your blood-test results,
c. five tequila slammers.


3) You time your orgasm so that...
a. your partner climaxes first,
b. you both climax simultaneously,
c. you don't miss SportsCenter.


4) Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is...
a. healthy, creative love-play,
b. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to,
c. not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about.


5) Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just nailed is...
a. the best part of the experience,
b. the second best part of the experience,
c. $100 extra.


6) Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
You tell her that it is...
a. no concern of yours,
b. not a problem, she can join your gym,
c. a conservative estimate.


7) You think today's sensitive, caring man is...
a. a myth,
b. an oxymoron,
c. a moron.


Foreplay is to sex as...
a. appetizer is to entree,
b. primer is to paint,
c. a line is to an amusement park ride.


9) Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a. "I hope we can still be friends."
b. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."


10) A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate...
a. probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy,
b. is uptight and a waste of time,
c. shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


Evaluating the results:


If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check in your pants to see if
you really are a man.


If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're more
than a little confused.


If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

[tailchaser]

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what's left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Because of your concern...I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Zebekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (Geez, the BIBLE did not mention it works that way!)
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
Yes, I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!
I will now return the favor.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's 3rd husband's ex-wife's mother's beautician!
Ain't spam great?!?!?