Wanna be a human margarita?
We try the city’s trendiest new massage
By Amina Akhtar
Tequila: How we love it and hate it. Sure, it tastes great in margaritas, but later when you're dancing on top of the bar, that sweet drink's turned into a vicious disaster. Can any good come from the Mexican sauce?
In theory, yes. The Four Seasons Spa is offering up a new tequila massage ($120 for 55 minutes), touting all the glorious health benefits of the wormy liquor. It's an antiseptic! It's great for the skin! It cures infections! Yeah, but so does whiskey, and do you really want a Jim Beam bath? All the same, we couldn't resist trying it.
The spa itself is nice but nothing special to look at. I got whisked into the locker room (which, by the way, is the best part: all the free hair products a gal could want) to change into a fluffy robe. Then I met the man behind the massage--Raymundo Gonzalez, the lead massage therapist at The Apuane Spa in Mexico, also owned by The Four Seasons. He'll be in town offering this unique massage through Nov. 30.
Raymundo took me into a small, but pleasant, room with dim lighting and soothing music. Ahhh ... time for some major relaxation--or so I thought. I didn't realize that this massage was one part shiatsu, one part Thai yoga and one part utter pain. It started out pleasant enough with hot towels on my face and feet. Then Raymundo poured tequila on my legs. It felt like someone just spilled a drink on me: cold, wet and stinky. He began to rub my soles (bliss!) and then moved onto my legs. Apparently, his recipe for a human margarita was to add more tequila, mix with sage oil, rub furiously. Repeat with gusto.
I was half dreading him working on my back. We're talking knot city. But old Ray seemed up for it and grabbed the booze. There's nothing quite like the sensation of having a bottle of tequila poured onto your back. Not slightly warmed tequila--that would be soothing. I'm talking frozen margarita here. But that wasn't the bad part. Turns out that Ray likes to use his elbows to force the knots along my spine to turn over. After a few minutes of me grimacing in pain, Ray pushed down so hard I audibly gasped. He eased up--for a minute. I was praying the tequila would make me drunk enough to ease the pain, but no such luck.
After I flipped onto my back, Ray started massaging my legs again and eventually moved onto my face. As he neared my nose I winced--one sniff of tequila is an automatic gagfest for me. Good thing I was dripping in the stuff.
After all the painful kneading and rubbing and pouring was done, I was given a--what else?--margarita to drink. I downed it in two seconds but it was nearly as bad as the too-expensive massage. I really wanted to go get a real drink but I reeked of agave. The scent wasn't as strong as I feared (the sage oil takes it down a notch) but you could definitely catch a whiff or two. It took three showers to finally feel degreased and booze-free.
Bottom line: If you really want to get rubbed down in tequila, there's probably some guy in a bar who'll do it for free--you'll save money and be in a lot less pain.
Amina Akhtar is the metromix nightlife producer.
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