J O T D

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very closely.....Are-my-test-results-back?"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cone-cerned

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful"

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:clap:

JOT (tomorrow):

One evening, a family brought their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed OK but, after a while, she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seemed OK but, after another short while, she began to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This went on all morning. Later that day, her family arrived to see how she was adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they asked. "Its pretty nice," she replied. "Except they wont let you fart."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cone-cerned

Are-my-test-results-back?"

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Growing up with a mom who worked in ER at Med City, I heard that one 30 years ago. Along with the Dead Baby, Abused child and various other doctor jokes.

Still funny, though.

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the BODIES!
Love,
Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love,
Fred

HA now that is a good one ... tax dollars at work ... literally

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce."

Two business partners were sitting down in a cafe for lunch one afternoon. One partner turns to the other and sais "You know, I committed a really bad Freudian slip last week and my wife still hasn't forgiven me.

"What happened?" asked the other partner.

"Well, when my wife and I were flying back to Pennsylvania from our vacation. The ticket clerk at the airline had these huge, beautiful breasts and I asked "May I please have two pickets to Tittsburgh please?" instead of "May I please have two tickets to Pittsburgh". ... "The whole situation was very awkward, my wife was doing a slow burn and we ended up having a really big argument when we got home".

"You know," said the other partner compassionately, "I know exactly how you feel. I did the same thing this morning when my wife and I were having coffee." " What I meant to say was " Honey, could you please pass the sugar?" and what I actually said was "You bitch, you ruined my life."'

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Titus

Two business partners were sitting down in a cafe for lunch one afternoon. One partner turns to the other and sais "You know, I committed a really bad Freudian slip last week and my wife still hasn't forgiven me.

"What happened?" asked the other partner.

"Well, when my wife and I were flying back to Pennsylvania from our vacation. The ticket clerk at the airline had these huge, beautiful breasts and I asked "May I please have two pickets to Tittsburgh please?" instead of "May I please have two tickets to Pittsburgh". ... "The whole situation was very awkward, my wife was doing a slow burn and we ended up having a really big argument when we got home".

"You know," said the other partner compassionately, "I know exactly how you feel. I did the same thing this morning when my wife and I were having coffee." " What I meant to say was " Honey, could you please pass the sugar?" and what I actually said was "You bitch, you ruined my life."'

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:clap: I like that one.

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

::Rimshot: