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She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit drinking.
Then I caught her spending $65.00 on make-up.
And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that was what the beer was for.
I don't think she's coming back.
A woman, standing nude in front of the bedroom mirror, says to her husband "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment!"
The husband replies "Your eyesight's perfect."
The obituary is forthcoming.
A fat woman goes to the doctor for a routine check-up.
After the exam the doctor said " Miss, you are extremely obese."
The lady, extremely offended, said, " Well....I want a second opinion!"
"Okay" said the doctor, "you're ugly too!"
A husband and wife go to the counselor after 15 years of marriage. He asks what the problem is, and the wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband says "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday I go fishing."
Doctor: "I've got very bad news. You've got cancer and Alzheimer's."
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
My wife told me I should be more affectionate ...so I went out and got a girlfriend.
First Guy: My wife is an angel!
Second Guy: Damn you're lucky ...mine is still alive.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face and the egg is frowning and looking disappointed.
The egg mutters to no-one in particular "I guess that answers THAT question".
An old lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
Bartender says "Since it's your birthday, let me buy you a drink. This one's on me."
As she finishes the drink, the woman to her right says "I'd like to buy you a drink too."
The old woman says "Thank you. Bartender, a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," he says.
When she finishes that, the man to her left says "Let me buy you one too."
The old woman says "Why thank you. Bartender, another Scotch with two drops of water."
As he gives her this drink, he says "Ma'am, I'm dying to know - why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman says "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue!"
A very ugly woman walks into Walmart with her two kids. The Walmart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."
Two poets, Longfellow and Nash, were at the gates of heaven. St. Peter told them there was only room for one poet in heaven right now. In order to decide which one would enter, each of the poets had to write a poem with the word "Timbuktu."
Longfellow:
I see the sea, I see the shore,
I hear the mighty ocean roar.
Tall sailing ships 'gainst sky of blue.
Their destination: Timbuktu.
Nash:
Tim and me, to sea we went,
Spied three women in a tent.
Since they were three, and we but two,
I bucked one, and Tim bucked two.
A man went to confession and said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
The priest asked if he would like to confess his sins, and the man replied that he had used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest said, "Oh, okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man replied that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word." The priest sighed and told him to continue.
"Well, father, I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church."
The priest said, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
The man replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, "No, it wasn't. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
The man replied, "No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in it's sharp talons and flew away."
The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore?"
The man replied, "No, because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
The priest screamed, "Don't tell me you missed the fucking putt!!!"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and
begins
to
talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004
models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer
$900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you! "
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him
in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Cruise ship is sinking and everyone onboard is running around in panic.
Priest runs up to some guy and says "Hurry, Hurry save the children"
Guy replies "Fuck the children"
Priest "you think we have time?"
I haven't spoken to my wife in six months. I don't want to interrupt her.
Those are pretty funny. +1
Robert was involved in a serious car accident that, um, took off his manhood. After he had recovered enough, he went to see a plastic surgeon about reconstructing it.
The surgeon said, "Well, I can reconstruct it to its original size for about $2,500. But, if you want, I can make it about 8 inches for $5,000 and I can also make it about 12 inches for $15,000."
Robert thinks about it and says, "Let me check with my wife and I'll get back to you."
A week later, Robert returns to see the surgeon, completely depressed. "What'd she want?" asked the surgeon.
Robert lamented, "She said she'd rather have a new kitchen!"
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
So... THAT's how you get ~8300 posts on here...
http://www.debatepolitics.com/images...es/allhail.gif
( and yeah... pretty funny...)
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."