Wheee!!!! Many many many thanks to Dave04 for his help over the weekend with my Civic. Super special additional thanks to Titus for letting us attempt to break his 17mm impact socket. He only looked mildly worried when I said "so... do these have a lifetime guarantee?"
For the record... the score was Crankshaft bolt: 4, Craftsman: 0, O'reilly's: 1.
The Civic for it's 94,000 mile birthday (and 9 years of service to us) got a timing belt, water pump, tensioner, spark plugs, fuel filter, thermostat, lower radiator hose, accessory belts (which, btw, are 315, 325 and 335 mm in length to confound you) and radiator cap. Next weekend it's getting new shocks and I'm replacing some dead suspension bushings. Unless I'm too tired, in which case it'll have to wait.
Can't say what an awesome relief it is to have that *#$&* timing belt swapped! Yay!!!!