Bad JOTD

Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God
was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded
Patriots flag in the window. "Tom this house is yours for eternity,"
said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the
porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story
mansion with a blue and white sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an
enormous Colts logo flag, and in every window, an Indianapolis Colts
towel.

Tom looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I
have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I
even went to the Hall of Fame."

God said "So what's your point, Tom?"

"Well, why does Peyton Manning get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Tom, that's not Peyton's house, it's mine."

Aahahahaha

:D

::Banana::

The World’s Shortest Psychiatric Joke

A man walks into a psychiatrist' s office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM" He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

S.

A man walked into a bar... it really hurt.

2 guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would have ducked...






A priest, a rabbi, a nun, a burglar, and a black guy all walk into a bar. The bartender says "What is this, a joke?"

So none of you bastards have heard the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods???

And since we're being bad anyway...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tailchaser

So none of you bastards have heard the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods???

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I did but I was leaving that one alone

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?










wiped his butt ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MadMonkey

wiped his butt ;)

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::lock:: ::lock:: ::lock:: ::lock:: ::lock:: ::lock::

S.

Two cannibals were eating supper. One turned to the other and said "I hate my mother-in-law". The other said "Well, try the potatoes!"

::EvilBana

Two nuns are sitting in the park when along comes a flasher and does his thing...

One nun had a stroke.


The other one missed...

Two guys are sitting in a bar the other night and they were complaining about the price of beer. One of them says, "I know of a bar in this town where all the drinks are free and you can get laid every night!"

The other guy says, "Where?"

The first guy says "I don't know, my wife won't tell me!"

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this of greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What kind of nasty disease do you think I’d get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by channelmaniac

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this of greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What kind of nasty disease do you think I’d get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

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:lol: That's great!

A man's doctor tells him he has six months to live.

Shocked, he asks if there is anything he can do to prolong the time he has left.

The doctor thinks a moment, then says "Yes. Stop smoking and drinking. Stop eating rich foods. Stop sleeping with women."

"Will that help me live longer?" he asks.

"No," replies the doctor, "But the time you have left will feel like an eternity."