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Jotd
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog
is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes, I do," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a
dog would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight
years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting
any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and
listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
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Speaking of talking animals...
A ventriloquist on vacation in Texas, goes to Bryan College Station and sees an aggie sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.
Ventriloquist: "Morning! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Aggie: "Dogs can't talk."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going buddy?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Aggie: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the aggie)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Aggie: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Aggie: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Aggie: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the aggie)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me when its cold."
Aggie: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Aggie: "That sheep's a LIAR!"
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A woman tells her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
