J. O. T. D.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

He gulped it down too, and said, "Quick, another beer,,,,, it's gonna start any second now."

"That's it!" She blows her top, " You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to jump around like your slave..... Don't you realize that I cook,clean, wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh crap, Now it's started."

The Kind Lawyer...

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree”. "Bring them along" the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also.” The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you”.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

A Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each
possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle" he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates"

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

The man replied,
"These are Carol's."

Onething sent me this one...

First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.

It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg?" the bartender says. "You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now." says the pirate.

"Well,okay but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" asked the bartender.

"We were in another battle." replied the pirate. "I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, but I got fitted with a hook I'm fine, really."

Then the bartender asks, "So, what about that eye patch?"

The pirate replies, "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of sea gulls flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding, " said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird crap."

The pirate responds, "It was my first day with the hook."

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery." ::Humpy::

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Treibenschnell

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery." ::Humpy::

---

AUGH!!! :punchout: ::Shocked: ::EvilBana ::2Guns::::BaHump::

An ACLU lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from
New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from
Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
deputy's expense.

Deputy says,"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just
slow down?"

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cam76034

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

---

:clap:

What is Helen Keller's favorite color?

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Corduroy

::Rimshot:

::Cricket:

Getting behind POS in posts again, Bean?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by trickyrix

Tasteless joke...

::Cricket:

---

Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?























She was a woman.

Q: Why was Helen Keller missing a hand?

She tried to read a stop sign at 50 miles per hour!

Q: How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They gave her a basketball and told her to read it!!

Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?

You would run away too if your name was Unnghhaaaeeiigh!!!!


I love those jokes ::Banana::

Q. Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll?
A. You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!


If Helen Keller fell down in the woods, would she make a sound?


Q. What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?
A. Endless love.


Q. How do you get Helen Keller to keep a secret?
A. Break her fingers!


Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?
A: Neither did she.


::Banana:: ::Banana:: ::Banana::

You searched Helen Keller jokes on Google and clicked the first link, I see:clap:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MadMonkey

You searched Helen Keller jokes on Google and clicked the first link, I see:clap:

---

Thank you, thank you... I'm here all week, two shows a day... don't forget the twilight buffet and happy hour specials!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cam76034

An ACLU lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from
New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from
Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the
deputy's expense.

Deputy says,"License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down
and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the
ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just
slow down?"

---

AWESOME!

M
:nutkick: :clap:

Thanks to all who participated in this thread.....................FUNNY!

Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?


She had to moan with the other.:punchout:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tim the Teacher

:punchout:

---

Your probation officer is looking for you.

Me first for today:

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I f#$^ing didn't"